blah, blah, blah

So as long as that image remains you will be hurt

2011-05-05T07:36:00.001-04:00

Have an insight, into the wounds and hurts that one has received from childhood. All people are hurt for various reasons, from childhood until they die. There is this wound in them, psychologically. Now, have an insight into the whole nature and structure of that hurt. You are hurt, wounded psychologically? You may go to a psychologist, analyst, psychotherapist, and he may trace why you are hurt; from childhood, your mother was this and your father was that and so on, but by merely seeking out the cause, the hurt is not going to be resolved. It is there. The consequences of that hurt are isolation, fear, resistance, so as not to be hurt more; therefore there is self-enclosure. You know all this. That is the whole movement of being hurt. The hurt is the image that you have created for yourself about yourself. So as long as that image remains you will be hurt, obviously. Now, to have an insight into all that - without analysis - to perceive it instantly, then that very perception is insight; it demands all your attention and energy; in that insight the hurt is dissolved. That insight will dissolve your hurt completely, leaving no mark, and therefore nobody can hurt you any more.

J.Krishnamurti, QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

real or not

2010-11-10T12:25:00.000-05:00

Looking at darkness straight in the eye
the mirror shatters showing only cracks
the illusion is unveiled
and there I stand
timeless
at the origin
deluded by my own image
not everything the shines is light

theories, beliefs and distortion...

2010-08-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been feeling like an onion, peeling old habits, old ideas; Is it true? I ask to myself every time a belief jump starts in my mind that makes me either doubt or get an old feeling of discomfort back. Is it really, really true? These feelings, until the most recent past assured me that was the way I thought I was. I was defined by them, limited, no longer free. Those thoughts, ideas, notions, and believes sprouted from emotions once, some even date back the beginning of my being.

How easy is it to deceive oneself when one is looking at a mirror? whatever I see it is not the truth, it is an idea based on a perception. Just that, materialized reason, right and left, up and down they go all over the place these thoughts when I leave them roaming free, when I feed them with more thoughts and ideas that reinforce that first feeling. True or not, that first impulse was just a feeling and it was there based on a position, had I been in a different position, it would have given birth to some other belief. Just like that believes sprout from every position, what to do? I don't have to believe in everything I see, I don't have to believe to everything I hear specially if it comes from inside my head.

precisely and meticulously chaotic

2010-06-30T09:21:00.000-04:00

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, everything has the illusion of being in order, structured and flawlessly working its way. But like any other mirage of the mind, precision and accuracy ARE by all means subjective. The order of All that is depends on each and everyone of our own actions, but the outcome won't be subject of my neurosis. In the escalating effort of trying to REproduce and imitate an idea of something, I become obsessed and breath by breath I bring CHAOS to my daily life. Methodic? yes! Insane? no, thanks!

My downfall, I have discovered it is also one of my greatest strengths, the power of observation that becomes fastidiously precise, faithful to the idea of order, rigorously exact, intensely reproducing every single idea until I stop for a moment and get out of the loop and with relief I realize that I could never, ever make it perfect.

Sing your own music!

2010-05-29T09:23:00.003-04:00

To be inspired, to be able to inspire, to listen to one's truth, to see the truth in others, to borrow thoughts, to let them go; what it comes through me today could be the sparkle for someone else. Sit still, no mind, breathe in, breathe out. AHhhh, notice everything around inside out, no thoughts only being. Time lapses at a different pace, actually there is no longer pace, nor time, just empty mind. Practice and notice the difference between an idea that comes from a quiet mind and one borrowed, write your own music score and for that sit still to listen, otherwise like a parrot repeating without awareness, your true voice will never be heard and remain contained, unexpressed and forever silent.

POwer

2010-05-27T19:18:00.000-04:00

Be daring, not lazy, avoid repetitive actions, be bold, say something, look out; say yes to things I used to always say no to, embrace the challenge, say maybe to things I always agreed by default, pause when I feel confused, go back to myself when the speed of things gets spinning too fast, step out of my comfort zone if I really, really want to grow. Take a leap into the unknown, be open, yield to what comes, trusting my inner core, transform fear into courage, no into yes, smile to the unknown.
Meet the essence, the core, the source of infinite power. Get inspired and infuse others with it.

Emotional dumpster

2010-05-11T11:30:00.005-04:00

How to keep open like a flower waiting for the soft rain to touch the surface of my skin and not feel scared by the possible outcome of the elements? I guess I would have to really, truly trust myself, trust the rain, trust the universe.

How can I still keep compassionate to others and mostly to myself when I feel that for years I was addicted to other people's emotions? addicted to their crisisses in order to feel complete? I now suggest to others as a reinforcement what I have been suggesting to myself, if I am going to write a whole drama in my mind, a loopy narrative, why not spill it out, write a script, write a book? dump it in a creative fashion?

Let the rain run down the impermeable skin, let the stories run like that and make their way to the next stage, the ground, the river, the clouds, in constant change, not clinging just being.

Avalokiteshvara

2010-04-19T10:35:00.005-04:00

Let's face it, we need each other! what a big realization it was recognizing that being self sufficient was an illusion based on fear; like ant colonies, we must all work together, and like ants each one of us has a purpose. To feel deep sympathy towards others makes me feel that in fact we are one.

I remember when I started this blog, I had a feeling of anguish because I felt that I was the only person taking me seriously, I was so isolated, so distanced from the world, I had indulged in matters of the mind and felt a deep sense of loss....

Slowly walking my way back to the colony. Now I stand in the midst of this day, many clouds have passed by, some of them have become rain since, I feel more open to the world, experiencing the interconnection of all myriad things.

Letting go

2010-02-18T10:35:00.005-05:00

The walls dwindle as the opposition dissolves, no more clutching my fists in resistance. No more protecting from the elements, just by being in harmony all of the sudden, I realize who I am. All I have to do is let go of the ideas that made me construct the mental prison I have put myself in.

Yield and attain strength.
The power of water is in the flow.
Water has nothing to worry about.
Water has no mind,
Water is.
So am I.

in search of the HOLy GRAiL!

2010-02-13T11:39:00.002-05:00

What is the "next best thing"? I think to myself.....

While reading a chapter in a book this morning, who was I thinking of that should read it too? The other day while walking on the street in a pensive mode, who's life was I already solving in my head? who am I going to tell now what is my "next best thing"?

Sometimes, when I am enjoying something I tend to project the "next" time I will be doing the same thing, instantly removing myself from the awareness of the moment. I also fantasize of ways to improve that feeling of joy. It works the other way around too, planning on how the next time I won't fall into the same pattern again, that pattern that creates this feeling of discontent. It is like looking for something that is not and has never been there.... That piece that I think that I am missing.

It goes on and on.

Running in circles at times like this

I do pause.

There is nothing to look for,

thus no search.

Just here now,

with me again.

The only thing I can do today is To BE MYSELF

2010-02-02T09:01:00.002-05:00

ABANdoned

2010-01-31T12:08:00.005-05:00

Slowly, I let myself drown in the sea of hopelessness. Lately, A couple of days a month I let this awkward feeling live momentarily around me. Where are all the good thoughts gone? How was I able to managed for forty five years not facing these sinking and anguished thoughts? Was I leaving in a lie then? is this what is real? I can't tell anymore. I still haven't told anyone the truth. The truth of how despair tastes, how doomed am I really? Has anyone remembered me so dark? Was the light inside me all these years artificial and now gone? I know for certain that somewhere along the path I let myself go, I gave up. I dissolved with what was in The Moment without foreseeing the consequences. Tic, Toc, the clock and it's ticking never stops.

I ought to make yet another list, this time one containing the names of people along my life that I have felt really supported by. Oh yes! now I get it as I write, it's that old feeling of abandonment again! when is it gonna stop? Should I just accept and embrace that nothing and nobody will ever cover that part of myself that I am missing? That nobody could ever save me from my own self destructive urge?

I close my eyes and go back to sleep for now....

Woke up minutes later, lit nine candles around me and saw the way out. Tomorrow is another day.

RESCue ME from my own thoughts

2010-01-29T23:09:00.000-05:00

I have been observing this character based on my own system of beliefs, what moves her, what frightens her, how she views herself as a person, as a woman, as a sister, as a daughter, as a wife, as an artist, and many other characters. Observing how she is projecting on to others some times unwillingly, sometimes unknowingly. It has been a whole long month of practice, at times noting, writing it down, but mostly noticing when certain recurring thoughts both negative and positive happen in her mind. Observing how she reacts to them individually.

I discovered through this exercise how many of these beliefs tend to grow and be fixed in time, how they have almost become part of her life. How small ideas were planted like seeds through circumstances and then reinforced by habit until they started limiting her and defining her. The mind is such a smart and seductive tool, she yielded all power to it, until she reached middle age and stood still unable to move, paralyzed by all these ideas that became the backbone of her fears. I may say I enjoy being the observer observed, this practice is very powerful, only now she has started to be true to herself and see all the places where she still hides and lives in denial.

LOOKING BACK

2009-12-29T16:51:00.005-05:00

It is that time of the year, that time of the decade, that time in life, where I see myself looking back, measuring, comparing and feeling a sense of accomplishment. This has been a challenging year; different to others in so many ways, where I have been able to change my perspective in a set of old views of how I am living my life. I am by no means a nostalgic person, looking back as a practice is an exercise of cognizance. What is this in relationship to that?

But first, let's rewind, when one grows up in the tropics without seasons, change is not subtle, change might be forced upon you, change becomes elective and things tend to stall. The beauty of a fake sense of stillness challenges change and change is so essential! I must admit, I always hated change, I disliked moving in accord to the rhythm of others, and boy I am slow! I like to pace myself step by step. But this year life caught up with me, it came like a tornado and rocked me up. It is that time of the year to look back and notice where I have shed the old skin and discarded the no longer useful attitudes that have kept me from being in tune with the rest of the world. Therefore I say thanks.

DEciphering

2009-12-08T11:13:00.003-05:00

Icons, glyphs and languages I have shown fascination for wanting to decipher all these symbols. Like a puzzle life unveils us a code, which way to read it? how to interpret it? who knows the way out to this dilemma?

If all goes well it is a sign that I am on my path, that I have listened to my inner voice, when all goes "funky" then I step aside and pause while deciphering a way back to the flow. Too many worries taint my vision, they blur and instigate doubt, when doubt comes, all hell breaks lose. There is only one way: pausing, breathing, stillness and quietude, Too many symbols can be confusing specially when the mind is always engaged trying to decode them. At times, not all things that happen should be explained, at times they should just be left alone, simply appreciated for what they are.

Just like the sun that rises every morning, just like that, effortlessly.

Loosing track

2009-11-20T23:56:00.005-05:00

It seems all too familiar, yet the awareness is there. At times, I know I am in the midst of abandoning myself. The auto-sabotage plays like this: the intensity, the excitement, the flattering, the long hours, the postponing of the pauses, the excuses. The symptoms are all back, still I am aware of my lack of awareness, I am aware of the feeble excuses. It has been some weeks like this, where I engage in endless loops like a headless chicken.

I know deep in my heart I need some sort of structure, otherwise I will drown again in the sea of emotions, in the quicksand where fear conquers and I, like an android succumb into aggression, denial, or in the trying to please others. It is time for a new kind of commitment, how can I inspire others if I fail to inspire my own life?

WHERE should I begin?

2009-11-04T12:19:00.007-05:00

Symptoms of despair come and go, for the last 150 days or so when the sky started to roar and tremble, I have gone from being numb to taking action, from crying till my head aches to feeling joy and lightness. When I focus on the future the air starts getting thin, if I look to the past my stomach just feels like million butterflies. I have made a deal with myself, that no matter the outcome I will stay true to my nature, sounds poetic, but guess what? it is bloody painful, exhausting, and most of all such a lonely journey.

The guiding light is always there, the familiar voices from friends are there, the sympathetic words of advice from people that care are still there, but the homework, the task of coming out of the cocoon and becoming a butterfly only one can do. To experience pain or any other feeling in the body is the way to tame the wild mind, by letting the emotion be in the body and becoming aware of it in the moment, no matter how scary the thought of fear can be, then I sit down and have a lovely chat with it.

I have a feeling that fear is afraid of itself, and anger is angry at itself, and one can drown from extreme sadness and choke from extremely joy. Oh extremes, how much I miss you guys!!!!!!

Something i just learned

2009-09-23T09:02:00.004-04:00

We can all become the victims of our own inflexibility and when that happens, the wall breaks, scattering all energy around, fragmenting what once felt complete. Acceptance and letting go have began.

So in the spirit of Lao Tzu:

Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore wise men embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, 'Yield and overcome.'
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.

THE answer

2009-09-13T10:23:00.005-04:00

The answer is neither pretense nor despair, the answer is faith in the action about to be taken.

neither good nor bad

2009-08-20T15:39:00.006-04:00

Good and bad, two words that seem to be echoing in my head like mantras every time I perform an action, every time I notice something, these harmless words which were passed on by my elders as a simple axis for morality to label every action, these words play like little judges in my head, bad boy, good boy!, bad girl, good girl. I saved my unborn children of that practice and now as an adult I wonder, can I live without the labeling? can I walk freely and see a fat person in front of me and not go through a roller coaster of thoughts? fat = ugly, ugly = bad. Could I sit in the subway and just accept that both heat and unpleasant smell are side effects of what living in the metropolis is? Being in the body sometimes proves more challenging the being in the mind. I remember the labeling starting very early on, a sort of mental programming that has led my life in a way that now feels very limiting. Wake up, open eyes, take a walk, smile, eat, go to work, smile again, pause, take a swim, look up to the sky, enjoy, have fun, be light, and so on and so forth, I can perform all these actions without assigning an adjective. Things are not good nor bad, things just ARE.

So here it is, playing and insightful...

2009-08-18T09:02:00.006-04:00

To change, transform, believe, realize, do, create, to endure; all these verbs that circle in my head, I want to write a longer piece, not just small paragraphs, I want to illustrate a process, the going from one place to the next, the believing, the caring for one self.

Heavy, heavy loads of thoughts I carry, what is genuine and what is acquired? absorbed? influence by? is there such a thing as untouched? because of it, do I have to take you, the reader to the beginning? can I attempt to say it all in the present tense? after all, all past things are distortions of both mind and emotions, it will be a representation of I want to recall and remember, a romanticizing of what could have been true in a certain moment. For that reason, let's say it is going to be loosely based on my memory, like all thoughts that I carry today, they have been loosely kept for future reference...

The urge to write comes at a good time, I feel that I am allowing the muteness of my voice to dissipate, shy old insecure voice, I remember always writing secrets, diaries, poetry, long letters to pen pals. I missed writing for the most part of my adult life, working with visuals, my ideas needed a different avenue of expression, but what I write now won't be ideas, I leave those to be expressed with moving images, here are raw and not too analyzed emotions, urges that transform and translate through my fingers via the keyboard to the white and empty LCD screen. I love the feeling of connection, The mind is sort of confused waiting to be used. I don't know what the next phrase will be, I don't know until I stop the writing every once in a while and let my eyes send some info to the mind through the reading, then the mind starts having an opinion and like a thesaurus starts throwing different versions of the same word, like a copywriter, starts throwing different versions of the same phrase.

In my visual work the process is very similar, the ideas and images flow freely from within to the device, (video or still camera), sometimes it feels as if I am in trance, not really knowing what I am doing, after a bit, I will call the editor in me and assemble together the whole lot without too much coherence, slowly, slowly the mind/editor will recognize a pattern and will start taking out what won't be useful. It is a lot of fun. Only when I have finished the piece I do take a distance and utilizing all my senses I will recognize what I have just done.

NOWHERE to hide

2009-08-01T09:55:00.006-04:00

This morning I felt the urge of running again, running away from what is, running away from feeling not at ease; I have recently discovered that I may have reached the end of the forest, no more bulky tree stems where to dissolve into. I can see my own reflection from the edge of the lake, its openness makes me shiver. The road is open, I can go back and get lost again, or be courageous and plunge into the water, as much as we are made to be close and dependent on each other, the path is individual; we need a web of others to support the system, but the will of each must be set on its own.

REsolution

2009-06-14T09:09:00.005-04:00

Defining and accepting one's true character is by all means a difficult and very painful task. Several years ago, I made a vow to stay close to my true nature no matter what the guidance I have sought provided. I have arrived to a special junction in the journey, when new skills are tested and old ventures retrieved.

In the path there are no absolutes, everything changes at all times, dusting off deep emotions and transforming them into creative action is a craft that needs some practice. Thus one must observe the actions of the elders, practice and master every move, getting prepared for the moment where all the pure raw energy will be unleashed.

....Hence the saying: If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not to fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle....

--Sun Tzu on the Art of War

LOSS

2009-06-10T14:15:00.005-04:00

Deep, deep sorrow, a sense of loss navigates through my skin, is this the way it is suppose to feel? the letting go, I mean? Close another chapter, move on, perhaps I was living in a dream.... ALL is illusion.

My feelings intersect with my mind at times, when they meet, they are noted as sadness, and bursts of anger, disappointment towards myself. I grew up blaming myself, after all, I thought that as long as I took the blame, everything would be alright, I could then change it, cover it, disguised it; it would be up to me, only up to me, I, the center of the world...

The center of the world has recently been crashed into pieces. I am mourning the loss of an era, an era of longing where veils were covering what I have been so busy trying to conceal. I shall use the sadness and the anger as raw fuel, transforming their energy into creative thinking and acting, all things shall pass and the melancholy will soon fade into a wonderful rainbow of possibilities arising....

SAY no more

2009-05-20T07:22:00.006-04:00

We are what we think.

All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with a pure mind,
and happiness will follow you
as your shadow, unshakeable.

How can a troubled mind understand the way?
Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much
as your own thoughts unguarded.
But once mastered,
no one can help you as much,
not even your father or your mother.

Buddha (from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byron)

Cut open

2009-05-18T08:05:00.006-04:00

Torn between doing the right thing or allowing my inner beast act without compassion, torn between perseverance and giving myself in to lower energies; do you really think that after all this time and practice I would just give in to my raw emotions? do you really believe that all this work has been done so I finally succumb into primal feelings? No, not really, have you ever seen a phoenix rise from the ashes? first you have to die in order to be born again, such is life, such is night and day, such is the nature of what is happening. You just gave me the greatest opportunity of all, to be true to myself and stop the pretense. Pain? yes, there is pain, it has all been clogging up my system, but this pain I know well, I was almost born with it, I tried to hide it, to cover it, to run away from it. It is here now and like a scar, reminds me of the path I have chosen.

-monika, just be brave, brave like your last name.

LACK of SELF

2009-05-14T14:21:00.009-04:00

So, here I am always feeling like I am out of place, like I need something else, always placing myself in the same sort of situations, where at this point of my life, there are no longer pleasant, on the contrary, these circumstances are just an urgent reminder for the urge to transform my perception.

Say I am a piece of toast and I was born with a missing corner, since I can remember I have been trying to fill the hole, no matter what I do, over and over, it will forever be gone, that is the way it is, but I don't want to see that truth in that, I insist on believing that if I find the missing piece I will finally feel complete. WRONG! So, a lot of time has been spent looking for approval, trying to please others than myself so I can finally feel whole. Some other times, I have spend controlling people and situations, making sure others won't eat what is left. You see the trajectory? neither, nor, still devoid.

Suddenly a little voice inside of me starts speaking, allowing the clouds to dispel so I can see the sky beneath, it is not about them, she says, not about the others, it is about how I have felt, not complete, lack of something, lack of self. No comparing, just accepting.

Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new'
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore the wise embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They recieve recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, "Yield and overcome."
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.

dao de jing- chapter 22

sowing the SEEDS of love....

2009-05-10T12:29:00.005-04:00

At times, feeding my mind with the wrong kind of food, leads me to trouble. After all, any mind can be brainwashed for it is influenceable, adaptable, capable of being shaped into any doctrine, in other words: vulnerable. So, why not feed it's soil with nutritious, wholesome seeds? Why allow poisonous venom flow? slowing rotting through it's surface? Why forget that I am what I eat and I become what I believe? Why? Some days are easier than others, some days the feeling of disconnection and desolation hits harder, some days lethargy prevails over practice. some days like this morning I have to forget all the things I think they are. Some days, there is a beautiful song in the background awakening me....

And anything is possible when you are
Sowing the seeds of love
Sowing the seeds
The birds and the bees
My girlfriend and me in love
Feel the pain
Talk about it
If you are a worried man
Then shout about it
Open hearts
Feel about it
Open minds
Think about it
Everyone
Read about it
Everyone
Scream about it!
Everyone
Everyone
Everyone
Read about it
Read about it
Read it in the books in the crannies
And the nooks there are books to read

-it is the DIVIDED mind that breeds the confusion....

2009-05-04T08:54:00.009-04:00

Experiencing the ambiguity, feeling torn, living in a state of anticipation..... I have felt the atmosphere sizzling like a seltzer; the view has been covered by fog, I cannot see beyond few inches, thoughts of anxiety circulate in a very close orbit of the mind. It takes double effort and full intention to be able to clear the negative thoughts.
Oh, what a big delusion! I just pictured the size of the mirror we all have been looking at! -it is the divided mind that breeds the confusion....

You shouldn't allow yourselves
To be confused by others.
Act when you need to,
Without further hesitation or doubt.
People today can't do this.
What is their affliction?
Their affliction is in their Lack of self-confidence.
If you do not spontaneously Trust yourself sufficiently,
You will be in a frantic state,
Pursuing all sorts of objects
And being changed by those objects,
Unable to be independent.

- Linji

the quest and loss of POWER

2009-04-16T09:29:00.009-04:00

Lately, I have been trying to get out of the loop of controlling every single aspect of my life, my diet, my emotions, my physical environment, my relationships, one would think that the solution would be like having to be born again or something of the sort. It makes total sense now that I never found the origins of the strong desire to control, I was looking for the source, and since it is a loop, a circle, no beginning, no end, how could I have found it this way? I was focusing in it, THAT, in it self created the whole problem; I was in it, absorbed by it, totally immersed in it, so I could not have any another perspective.

While observing other phenomena, it hit me! the urge to appear to be in charge, that craving that makes me a domineer, a manipulator is a mask that is covering the truth, that I am a fearful being, scared of accepting that I do not know what I have been selling to the rest of the world all along, my cockiness and bravado are just poses to buy some more time and stay away from the real, the truth that I am vulnerable.

By imposing and controlling I believe and make believe that I am strong, that I am in power of the situation, as a matter of fact, I could not have been more mistaken! When in control, I am debilitating the strength, I am forcing a situation to be, I am going against nature thus weakening its effect. To think that one has the power because one thinks is in control is an oxymoron. Being open to what IS, without struggle is by all means the real POWER.

YOU are my mirror

2009-04-15T09:04:00.005-04:00

Sitting across me I watch you everyday, how annoying has become to see my self so clearly, how painful it is to accept things as they really are, all these years, having to keep them away from sight, I managed to hide them, like I use to hide the mess of books and magazines under the bed when I was a teenager. I created this idea of the person I wanted to portrait, a lot of it became disguised behind the "orderly arranged, illusory and beautiful objects that I construct".

Who have I been fooling? no other than myself! due change is catching up with time, and time has been running out now for some time....

YOU, yes YOU, sitting across, YOU are my mirror, my challenge, my opportunity to grow, I must be thankful to you, for without you I would be still perceiving only fog. YOU are giving me the clues at where to look, once I fully grasp that YOU and I are only one and accepting YOU is accepting me, wings will flap allowing real freedom.

To love myself is to fully accept myself, to uncover the parts I have been hiding, why do I worry all this time about being caught? no one will notice, only me! The truth will be clear. AGHH Love! LOVE IS NO OTHER THAN ACCEPTANCE, No object is needed in order to love or to be loved, Love IS, like a cloud IS, LOVE is the sticky substance that holds all of us together.

WHY being deffensive when there is no offensive?

2009-04-09T11:43:00.006-04:00

it just dawn on me.....

scenario:
.....listening to some words of complaint on the other side of the phone, it sounded a bit lecture, a bit discontent, this time I did not take it personally, I kept listening and saying to my head "just listen don't project", the conversation or monologue rather, went on for a while, I had nothing to add nor felt that I needed to defend my self again, for NO ONE was attacking me. You see, what happens is this: the one who is criticizing, analyzing, elaborating on likes and dislikes is, as a matter of fact just stating his or her uneasiness with the present moment, I just happen to be mirroring or channeling part of their rooted discontent. Thus lifting years and years of feeling that I had to do something about their uneasiness or in some sort of way was responsible for it.
How does it make me feel now? LIBERATING!!!!!

Unveiling the mask

2009-04-02T08:06:00.011-04:00

It feels weird to keep posing from now on, the feeling is shame, the kind that makes me sweat, shame of keep on lying in my face to my face. How many subscriptions does my mind feel associated with? I am this, I am that- I like this, I don't do that - That is this, This is that, the examples are endless; in one word the feeling is: EXHAUSTING, a constant calisthenics of the mind, stretching and warping the thoughts in order to accommodate the illusion once more.

Hiding from myself, I learned that one a long time ago, I hide in the books, the movies, the stories I create and usually tell myself and others, hiding behind theories and analysis, hiding, being a fake. Trying too hard to be what I am not. There is an urge and I am inviting, daring myself to stop the farce and acknowledge for once that I have been in an eternal escape from the self, and eternal gateway from the truth of this moment.

EVERY THING is an illusion

2009-03-31T09:40:00.005-04:00

I recall sitting behind my dad's seat on the left side of the window, the air was hitting my face and I was holding a balloon from a finger, watching the balloon gracefully face the wind perhaps induced me into a deep state of stillness, for as soon as I lost grip of the balloon and watched how it disappeared in front of my eyes, it gave me an insight - exclaiming out loud both with certainty and slight disappointment, - that balloons were like life - full of illusions!- I don't remember what my parents response was nor it is something that really matters at the present moment. I was around 4 years old and already knew deep inside how this powerful mind of mine would trick me.

40 years later and I sit every morning inducing a similar state of peacefulness, at times I get other insights. Everything I have carefully constructed through this journey is being undone, thought by thought, one by one. I have found myself prisoner of all my little theories and hypothesis, none of them matter - for freedom from mind is bliss and now is the only time to do it-.

THERE is No FEAR because there is No SEPAration

2009-03-12T09:56:00.010-04:00

I have been breathing quite a lot lately, consciously I mean, I have been observing the moment when uncomfortable feelings arise and how if unattended they could drag me back to the ocean of fear; I have been noting that instant as the moment of separation, fragmentation, discrimination, that second when you, I and the universe stop dancing in harmony and I become tense, dense, paralyzed by panic, become isolated from ALL that is. Someone once said that it was easier to do bad than to do good, if only in tune with our sense of individuality, then doing good becomes quite a changeling task. To recognize myself in others and the other in me is a gift embodied as a simple smile.

When the stem is disconnected from the root it won't last too long. How much longer do I have to go on creating conflict and antagonism by believing in my own separate self? Can I stop the wars and battles of this world by aligning my true self in harmony with you, you and you, ALL in one? When I breathe I feel Joy, I no longer feel disconnected to the source. Every moment is a new opportunity, a new world.

NETFLIX , movie-on-demand inside of my head

2008-12-22T11:30:00.032-05:00

I think too much, I think ALL the time, I tend to read everything my eyes can catch, I notice and mentally record every possible detail I can grasp, as if I were to win extra points. Who knows, right? I am tired of constantly processing information, I am going on an information fast, I don't have to do research on every idea I have, every subject that fancies my attention, every character ever existed, every movie I have ever seen. Who nourished my intellect this way? was my dad unaware that asking a 4 year old to add, subtract and make words out of license plates, could lead to this constant brain work? he probably got his own dose of mental stimulus this way.

My mind basically gets caught in response/feedback mode regularly. As soon as my ears hear a question, my brain triggers a signal and I start thinking and processing, even if the problem was not addressed to me at all! Was it true what I thought early on that if that muscle was not exercised constantly I would be deprived from it? I remember times when no thoughts were inside of my head and I would panic thinking I could become stupid. Out of that fear I kept my mind engaged in a mental calisthenia.

Oh my! by gathering information without discrimination such as billboards, advertisements, subway found papers, classified ads, you name it! I found myself exercising my mind and memory, noting and taking mental pictures. No wonder at the age of 12, I had to find a mechanical way that would help me collect and gather this data more efficiently! I got my first photographic camera, since then I have mentally engraved and/or recorded episodes and signs.

These words and ideas weaved together become entire theories, hypothesis, stories, characters, they invade me at night and during waking hours, information beware! I won't commit to the story lines anymore! go back to the scripts where you came from, the movies-on-demand constantly playing in my head, in this mind there is no room left for engagement.

Let go, let go, let go, In essence they are only words, signs and symbols that mean nothing to a trained mind. Just that, unresolved hieroglyphs and puzzles, I gotta stop playing the spy, the detective, the private investigator, the archaeologist -who cares! do you?

"....if you saw a thought you will reap an action, if you saw an action you will reap a habit, if you saw a habit you will reap character, if you saw character you will reap a destiny..." the yogi was right, thoughts ought to have a powerful intention.

Unplug into the silence, Dad: it is ok if I don't know the answer to the rumors of the world, let's silently stay awake.

THe WAKe UP call

2008-12-13T10:07:00.019-05:00

So they say that if I hold on tight I might be grasping to something, someone, an idea, I might be depriving the energy to flow its course, naturally, freely.

When I fear change I am only clinging to what I know even if that is not really "happening" for me. In other words, the stream gets stagnated, no wonder masses keep sprouting inside my body signaling the fear of accepting what is. I find that it is a good asset to be patient, to have faith and to be loyal to what one believes. However, when is it a good time to move on and to let go of something that is no longer necessary, a situation that might have been fulfilled and has run its course? DIVERSITY read the sentence in the hexagram 38 when I inquired the I Ching this morning, Li on top, Dui below, bright and joy together, two different directions, two ways of seeing things, does it foretell divergence, a break up?

Or is it an opportunity to work collectively in a range of dissimilar possibilities pursuing the same goal via diverse paths? Could things and people grow out of diversity? Certainly, in diversity one succeeds by leading and yielding when needed not by imposing or forcing, strength must come from the union of the hard and the soft.

Energy when no longer moving freely and it's lacking challenge becomes comfortable and stagnant and slowly evolves into sloth...

The sun sets everyday but it is not a sign of the end, recalling an awareness to change, it is part of a cycle enclosing darkness to lightness, in times of yin, yang is already present, by arousing and revealing another day.

I BULLY YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, sweet sweet love.....

2008-12-07T15:32:00.007-05:00

The land where I come from is so enchanted by beauty yet so possessed by brutality. Decades and decades of aggression have planted the seeds of violence in every tree, every flower and every beautiful baby that chooses to emerge from there.

Until recently, I never saw a connection between cracking jokes to friends and being a bully, after all, I have to admit, through out my life I wanted to have fun and spend time with funny people. Laughing is something I crave and cling to whenever I feel a bit out of place, if you see me clowning, be sure that something or someone is making me nervous..... I may say that this behavior got me in real trouble since I can remember. I have been clowning and bullying since kindergarten, endless Fridays spent in detention after school, a handful of suspensions every now and then, until one day I ran out of luck and finally got expelled from high school. Nevertheless this is not about those wonderful years where my bullying skills got really defined but rather about how I, like many, if not all Colombians choose to cope with fear by embracing Colombia's national sport, Bullying as a way of life.

So what is exactly that I am implying? that to joke is the same as to bully? In Colombia it is. We love to put our friends and family down, we use an aggressive tone of cockiness defying the other by saying something silly about them, never about ourselves, we know better, we do better, we just like to pose. I can bully you 'cause I don't like you, I bully you because I do, I bully you even more if I love you- I bully you very much too.

Bullying people I cared for was more comfortable than opening up to express my deep emotions. Fear, anger, sadness even joy were hidden underneath a comfortable disguise, -ha, ha, ha, it is just a joke! why are you taking it so personal? ha, ha, ha.... Also, the more sensitive and delicate the more of a bully one becomes, why? well since it is a coping mechanism of survival, one has no other choice, right? plus I was just kidding anyway..... sarcasm, cynicism are other vehicles of unexpressed anger, and anger by the way is the brave soldier protecting our deepest fears.

The antidote is not that unreachable, it is defined as pure sweetness, like the ripest of all fruits, I dare to say that it works miracles, the sweeter you are to a bully the less bully you become.... think about that.

REacting

2008-11-21T14:18:00.014-05:00

No one taught me how to wait, actually I was encouraged to always be active, never silent in my head, rarely still. Nevertheless the biggest joy and relief came when I started practicing equanimity. You see, it is very simple, just like the main difference between a cat and a dog, try think about it. Cats stay still, observing the situation, they would only react once they have inspected the whole scene. On the other hand, I was most likely raised to resemble a dog in the way they react non stop.

I bow to those felines who have taught me how to go up the mountain and see the whole landscape before I reply to that nasty email, perhaps I was seeing a flood when in fact was just some running water.

-INTENSE BUT NOT DENSE....

2008-11-20T12:19:00.012-05:00

In times of uncertainty I submerge in creativity.

;-)

-THe BAIL OUT

2008-11-14T17:23:00.013-05:00

Feeling unheard, unnoticed, crying for help only gets me few kind smiles of compassion from the same people I thought at times I helped before. Was I giving to receive? was I truly, truly giving? Generosity, altruism? I don't know! all these labels claimed over and over so I would get a trophy and finally get recognized as the good and nice one, being labeled otherwise would not have been an option for me anymore, through my adult life, I have made a specific effort, I would be good, I would give the best of me, I would not let others influence my weakest points, but have I succeeded? all I know is that the feeling of loneliness is wider, the gap between me and you and the rest of the world is deeper, I have pushed and pushed all along believing I was separating, making a choice. How can I be ONE if everything is propelled against?

The bailout I thought, could only come from within, I could not be bailed out by any of my teachers or one of my friends; this time, I thought is the real one, have I not learned anything at all? who am I kidding? though, it would not be so hard.

Close my eyes and perceive how great it is to feel my strength again, it has always been there, it never went anywhere, it got pushed to a side and covered by cobwebs of borrowed ideas and creeds. Hello BAILOUT here I come! Slowly getting used to feel my face smile again. I feel like dancing to the tune peacefully along my path, accepting what there is for me, who I am.

-WOW, I AM THAT GIRL IN THE PICTURE!!!!

2008-11-10T13:33:00.039-05:00

I could feel the blood boiling inside my skin rushing so fast from my limbs up to my brain, I could also hear the pulse of my heart beating inside my ear like a pair of headphones at full blast. I would never hesitate to let the object of my anger know, that he or she had entered the right combination of the code. I could hear whispers becoming cries for help growing in crescendo inside my head. I could feel cut in halves, timing being crucial, as one side of me wanted to prevent it, suppress it, the other side wanted to release it, for it had been there inside boiling for a long long time. Once released, there is no way back, like the time I rolled down the hill so fast I did not feel breaking my arm, I was rolling down, having fun.

Anger is such a powerful emotion I recently realized that I have been feeding from it for a long, long time. Yet I was fearful of recognizing it; I had manage to hold it back apart from those four or five times during my adult life where I created episodes of physical and verbal violence that once they were over had left me both exhausted and stunned.

One teacher says that there are five steps to awareness, during the last phase, one doesn't even realize being present when "it" occurs, we find out by others our lack of "touch". Amid the fourth step, one knows what has done, but it is already late, the deed is done, all one has left with is an apology but that of course depends on the level of our pride. On the third step, when "it" is happening, one becomes aware of it and it feels both like watching a movie and being inside of it. (I believe we can stay in this level for a long time). On the second step, one knows when it is about to happen, allowing us the choice. The first step of awareness has the power of not making us "react" to whatever it is triggering the code that can unleash a suppressed emotion that has been dwelling for years and maybe decades unaware of its impact on our daily life.

I knew I was angry all along but I lied to my face by appearing in disguise as a serious girl, you know the "serious" kind that never smiles and snaps without alert? Who wants to befriend angry people? I don't! that is for sure. So this untamed anger lived with me, inside of me, I learned to deal with it by distorting it, day by day, year by year, transforming into guilt, then resentment back to guilt. So I thought I was doing well, since my episodes of violence only happened scattered in a lapse of 25 years, different cities, different witnesses. But then again, once you start therapy you are doomed, all the secrets and lies unveiled one by one, the smell coming out of the basement of my life is not that nice, -hey shut that door!- only that there is no more door, both in excitement and despair I had decided to tear down doors and walls at once, brave like my name I thought I was......

One afternoon this fall, I went to the movies by myself to watch a nameless Hollywood flick, sure I was going to evade reality yet another time yeah! The movie rolled for a while and it could have joined the zillion forgotten movies I had seen, hadn't it been for a scene in which Mother and Daughter were caught and entangled in their pain, the scene felt so familiar, yet I had little affection for the way the adolescent was expressing her frustration and ire towards the woman who brought her to life, how awful I thought to my self! the familiarity kept growing and by the end of the movie my aversion towards her had turned into disgust. As time passed that evening I could not stop thinking about it and then it dawned to me: Wow, I was the girl in the picture! I had failed to recognize myself due to our different appearances, my lack of tattoos and piercings, not to mention her Goth look, but I could identify with the anger I felt towards my mother at her age, now I was undoing another knot!

It all made sense finally! I decided to write my mother a letter that she would never get, in it I was expressing my rage for all the decisions she made and the things she did not do right according to my view. I went back in time and remembered things I had blocked from my memory a long long time ago, these feelings were too painful, that night I felt the pain again as if I still was 12 or 13 years old, why had she brought a catholic nun from America to live with us after my father died? Did I need to practice my English so bad that I would not mind the scars? What was she thinking? I won't mention all the things I thought she had failed, because after all ANYTHING she would have done or not I would have judged as wrong. What I relief I felt that night! I cried so hard that it felt good to be miserable, now I understood how after years of wishing to leave my home and go as far, far away from her, brought feelings of guilt, for all the mean things I said to her and all the things I did to rebel from her while I was a teenager. Once I left at the age of 18, I started to look up to my mother as a symbol of sacrifice and saw her as a martyr, I turned the hatred into guilt and then to blinded love towards her, she was untouchable and I would very fiercely defend her and excuse her at all times. Oh that guilt was running wild!! I would for the most part of my adult life by choice not see my mother for too long too often, Once with her I was torn, I would be feisty and always leave with a feeling of guilt. Now it is all over, I now know where my anger got all the watering from and it grew into an untamed beast, years and years of resentment made me an angry wolf in disguise, but I did not wanted to be perceived as such hence the "serious" look. It is all but good from now on, lots of links to repair, no more frighting my loved ones with violent attacks. After all, those steps can be learned and mature with practice.

-BLAH, BLAH, BLAH OR HOW I SURRENDERED.

2008-11-10T10:39:00.010-05:00

Anguish starts to fill my body again, I breath slowly, I allow the anguish to be, yet it carves a hole in my upper stomach, what is so fearful? what am I clinging to so hard that doesn't allow me to surrender fully to this feeling? the idea of being vulnerable? of allowing others to see me the way I am? truly fully naked in front of the world? showing all the bad angles and feeling incapable of disguising them yet another time?

Conceptually I understand what I am going through, unconsciously aligning my destiny to grow and learn under hard circumstances, apparently I have to let go of control, apparently I have to learn to say I need help, apparently it is very important I let my feelings show, apparently if I stop controlling others and my self I will either win a piece of calm in heaven or something more important, I will undo another knot.

We are full of knots, we can't undo them until we don't understand and see what we are perceiving from another perspective, transforming, transcending.....

The other day I started having my first panic attack when I realized that perhaps I am the only person in this world that takes me seriously, at first I was hysterical, laughing out loud and just watching a thousand images of my life flash in front of me, in each one of them I saw myself so seriously while the rest of the world almost ignored me, then I started to panic and my breath stopped, I wanted to run so fast and hide but I didn't know where nor how anymore, you see, I started some sort of therapy some couple of years ago, and I am at that point of the movie where there is a turning point. The momentum built up and the transformation awaits, I cannot continue as a caterpillar, my wings are starting to show, feelings both of fear and excitement arise, yet, I am sure butterflies have butterflies in their stomachs too.

I realized that I am addicted to the following: information, control, and illusion (delusion). I have read a ton of books, watched zillion movies, digesting so much information along, that if I were brave enough I would stop ingesting and live the rest of my life retelling those stories and ideas one by one. But am I going to be so generous and deprive my ego from so much suffering? in every movie or book I find a character that I relate to, I allow possession of my head for some hours or days at times, and they live there in my mind... blah blah blah, they go on and on while I watch mesmerized as they keep entertaining me inside my own mind. PUFF! I wake up at times reminding myself, it is just a book, a movie or some crazy idea I just spent googling for the last 4 hours....

So there I was the other day, embracing the panic attack for the first time and sort of remembering something I heard in a podcast, or was it something I read? did I come up with this idea? I don’t know, who cares! all I could hear was my heart beating so fast, my breath weakening and the tears and cries going deep, suddenly I felt like I was finally surrendering! releasing in to that moment, letting go the thread I had held so tight with my fist for a long long time in my life, believing that if I did not hold it tight I would lose myself to the Vacuum, and there I was so vulnerable releasing the idea of control and feeling so free, guess what? I did it! I accept for the first time in my life that I don’t have the answer to anything, and I don’t have to try to go and find the answer anywhere for anyone anymore... As soon as I got calm, I had a feeling that I had to purge by telling it all, sharing the pain, I cannot tell people what to do, but I can tell them how I do.