Apples & onion skin

There is some old skin that yet has to peel off, I would guess I still wear it both as memory or memento and have to let go. In it there are attitudes and reactions towards situations and circumstances that are no longer serving me. The first instinct is to please, the second to convince, when I take few steps away I notice both and enter in a state of limbo, what to do next? Cannot save, cannot defend, just have to be, let the apples fall naturally from the tree as the old saying in Spanish goes, perhaps watching the world as is will get me in track step by step. 

Anachronism

So this morning upon waking, the anxiety read like this: definition of the work: decorative and anachronic! Thought about parallel times and people not being able to perceive it fully because the work almost has a switch to be turned on and off so it can be unveiled. Yes, the veil again, the one I use during the process to not see very clearly with my mind but with my instinct, that veil sometimes hiides the whole of me from this world, either by choice, (not going out etc) or by unconscious choice (others not being able to see it).

The motto for today is integration, I shall integration both vulnerability with strength and whoever cannot see, I shall let them see.

the big freeze

I have set the position of the last lamp post in the horizon, yet despite it, I am overwhelmed. Feelings of blurriness and confusion cloud my days, it is not enough having a simple intention, I fear the messenger, I fear the other end, and the fear is of falling, failing to prove. why so much self consciousness?, why so mush stress?


I have been too many days in the same square, can't hardly drag my feet to walk to the other side to get a better view, the closer I feel i am to it, the more sense of anxiety I breed. 


Will start today again a daily practice, put it all down again on digital paper, unload my mind from flying ideas. one, two, three, let's start my day, one breath at the time with compassion and awareness slowly melting my numbness away. 

So as long as that image remains you will be hurt

Have an insight, into the wounds and hurts that one has received from childhood. All people are hurt for various reasons, from childhood until they die. There is this wound in them, psychologically. Now, have an insight into the whole nature and structure of that hurt. You are hurt, wounded psychologically? You may go to a psychologist, analyst, psychotherapist, and he may trace why you are hurt; from childhood, your mother was this and your father was that and so on, but by merely seeking out the cause, the hurt is not going to be resolved. It is there. The consequences of that hurt are isolation, fear, resistance, so as not to be hurt more; therefore there is self-enclosure. You know all this. That is the whole movement of being hurt. The hurt is the image that you have created for yourself about yourself. So as long as that image remains you will be hurt, obviously. Now, to have an insight into all that - without analysis - to perceive it instantly, then that very perception is insight; it demands all your attention and energy; in that insight the hurt is dissolved. That insight will dissolve your hurt completely, leaving no mark, and therefore nobody can hurt you any more.

J.Krishnamurti, QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

real or not

Looking at darkness straight in the eye
the mirror shatters showing only cracks
the illusion is unveiled
and there I stand
timeless 
at the origin
deluded by my own image
not everything the shines is light

theories, beliefs and distortion...

Lately I have been feeling like an onion, peeling old habits, old ideas; Is it true? I ask to myself every time a belief jump starts in my mind that makes me either doubt or get an old feeling of discomfort back. Is it really, really true? These feelings, until the most recent past assured me that was the way I thought I was. I was defined by them, limited, no longer free. Those thoughts, ideas, notions, and believes sprouted from emotions once, some even date back the beginning of my being. 

How easy is it to deceive oneself when one is looking at a mirror? whatever I see it is not the truth, it is an idea based on a perception. Just that, materialized reason, right and left, up and down they go all over the place these thoughts when I leave them roaming free, when I feed them with more thoughts and ideas that reinforce that first feeling. True or not, that first impulse was just a feeling and it was there based on a position, had I been in a different position, it would have given birth to some other belief. Just like that believes sprout from every position, what to do? I don't have to believe in everything I see, I don't have to believe to everything I hear specially if it comes from inside my head. 

precisely and meticulously chaotic

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, everything has the illusion of being in order, structured and flawlessly working its way. But like any other mirage of the mind, precision and accuracy ARE by all means subjective. The order of All that is depends on each and everyone of our own actions, but the outcome won't be subject of my neurosis. In the escalating effort of trying to REproduce and imitate an idea of something, I become obsessed and breath by breath I bring CHAOS to my daily life. Methodic? yes! Insane? no, thanks! 

My downfall, I have discovered it is also one of my greatest strengths, the power of observation that becomes fastidiously precise, faithful to the idea of order, rigorously exact, intensely reproducing every single idea until I stop for a moment and get out of the loop and with relief I realize that I could never, ever make it perfect. 

Sing your own music!

To be inspired, to be able to inspire, to listen to one's truth, to see the truth in others, to borrow thoughts, to let them go; what it comes through me today could be the sparkle for someone else. Sit still, no mind, breathe in, breathe out. AHhhh, notice everything around inside out, no thoughts only being. Time lapses at a different pace, actually there is no longer pace, nor time, just empty mind. Practice and notice the difference between an idea that comes from a quiet mind and one borrowed, write your own music score and for that sit still to listen, otherwise like a parrot repeating without awareness, your true voice will never be heard and remain contained, unexpressed and forever silent.

POwer

Be daring, not lazy, avoid repetitive actions, be bold, say something, look out; say yes to things I used to always say no to, embrace the challenge, say maybe to things I always agreed by default, pause when I feel confused, go back to myself when the speed of things gets spinning too fast,  step out of my comfort zone if I really, really want to grow. Take a leap into the unknown, be open, yield to what comes, trusting my inner core, transform fear into courage, no into yes, smile to the unknown.
Meet the essence, the core, the source of infinite power. Get inspired and infuse others with it.

Emotional dumpster

How to keep open like a flower waiting for the soft rain to touch the surface of my skin and not feel scared by the possible outcome of the elements? I guess I would have to really, truly trust myself, trust the rain, trust the universe.

How can I still keep compassionate to others and mostly to myself when I feel that for years I was addicted to other people's emotions? addicted to their crisisses in order to feel complete? I now suggest to others as a reinforcement what I have been suggesting to myself, if I am going to write a whole drama in my mind, a loopy narrative, why not spill it out, write a script, write a book? dump it in a creative fashion?

Let the rain run down the impermeable skin, let the stories run like that and make their way to the next stage, the ground, the river, the clouds, in constant change, not clinging just being.

Avalokiteshvara

Let's face it, we need each other! what a big realization it was recognizing that being self sufficient was an illusion based on fear; like ant colonies, we must all work together, and like ants each one of us has a purpose. To feel deep sympathy towards others makes me feel that in fact we are one.

I remember when I started this blog, I had a feeling of anguish because I felt that I was the only person taking me seriously, I was so isolated, so distanced from the world, I had indulged in matters of the mind and felt a deep sense of loss....

Slowly walking my way back to the colony. Now I stand in the midst of this day, many clouds have passed by, some of them have become rain since, I feel more open to the world, experiencing the interconnection of all myriad things.

Letting go

The walls dwindle as the opposition dissolves, no more clutching my fists in resistance. No more protecting from the elements, just by being in harmony all of the sudden, I realize who I am. All I have to do is let go of the ideas that made me construct the mental prison I have put myself in.


Yield and attain strength.
The power of water is in the flow.
Water has nothing to worry about.
Water has no mind,
Water is.
So am I.

in search of the HOLy GRAiL!

What is the "next best thing"? I think to myself.....

While reading a chapter in a book this morning, who was I thinking of that should read it too? The other day while walking on the street in a pensive mode, who's life was I already solving in my head? who am I going to tell now what is my "next best thing"?

Sometimes, when I am enjoying something I tend to project the "next" time I will be doing the same thing, instantly removing myself from the awareness of the moment. I also fantasize of ways to improve that feeling of joy. It works the other way around too, planning on how the next time I won't fall into the same pattern again, that pattern that creates this feeling of discontent. It is like looking for something that is not and has never been there.... That piece that I think that I am missing.

It goes on and on.

Running in circles at times like this

I do pause.

There is nothing to look for,

thus no search.

Just here now,

with me again.

The only thing I can do today is To BE MYSELF

ABANdoned

Slowly, I let myself drown in the sea of hopelessness. Lately, A couple of days a month I let this awkward feeling live momentarily around me. Where are all the good thoughts gone? How was I able to managed for forty five years not facing these sinking and anguished thoughts? Was I leaving in a lie then? is this what is real? I can't tell anymore. I still haven't told anyone the truth. The truth of how despair tastes, how doomed am I really? Has anyone remembered me so dark? Was the light inside me all these years artificial and now gone? I know for certain that somewhere along the path I let myself go, I gave up. I dissolved with what was in The Moment without foreseeing the consequences. Tic, Toc, the clock and it's ticking never stops.

I ought to make yet another list, this time one containing the names of people along my life that I have felt really supported by. Oh yes! now I get it as I write, it's that old feeling of abandonment again! when is it gonna stop? Should I just accept and embrace that nothing and nobody will ever cover that part of myself that I am missing? That nobody could ever save me from my own self destructive urge?

I close my eyes and go back to sleep for now....

Woke up minutes later, lit nine candles around me and saw the way out. Tomorrow is another day.

RESCue ME from my own thoughts

I have been observing this character based on my own system of beliefs, what moves her, what frightens her, how she views herself as a person, as a woman, as a sister, as a daughter, as a wife, as an artist, and many other characters. Observing how she is projecting on to others some times unwillingly, sometimes unknowingly. It has been a whole long month of practice, at times noting, writing it down, but mostly noticing when certain recurring thoughts both negative and positive happen in her mind. Observing how she reacts to them individually.

I discovered through this exercise how many of these beliefs tend to grow and be fixed in time, how they have almost become part of her life. How small ideas were planted like seeds through circumstances and then reinforced by habit until they started limiting her and defining her. The mind is such a smart and seductive tool, she yielded all power to it, until she reached middle age and stood still unable to move, paralyzed by all these ideas that became the backbone of her fears. I may say I enjoy being the observer observed, this practice is very powerful, only now she has started to be true to herself and see all the places where she still hides and lives in denial.

LOOKING BACK

It is that time of the year, that time of the decade, that time in life, where I see myself looking back, measuring, comparing and feeling a sense of accomplishment. This has been a challenging year; different to others in so many ways, where I have been able to change my perspective in a set of old views of how I am living my life. I am by no means a nostalgic person, looking back as a practice is an exercise of cognizance. What is this in relationship to that?

But first, let's rewind, when one grows up in the tropics without seasons, change is not subtle, change might be forced upon you, change becomes elective and things tend to stall. The beauty of a fake sense of stillness challenges change and change is so essential! I must admit, I always hated change, I disliked moving in accord to the rhythm of others, and boy I am slow! I like to pace myself step by step. But this year life caught up with me, it came like a tornado and rocked me up. It is that time of the year to look back and notice where I have shed the old skin and discarded the no longer useful attitudes that have kept me from being in tune with the rest of the world. Therefore I say thanks.

DEciphering

Icons, glyphs and languages I have shown fascination for wanting to decipher all these symbols. Like a puzzle life unveils us a code, which way to read it? how to interpret it? who knows the way out to this dilemma?

If all goes well it is a sign that I am on my path, that I have listened to my inner voice, when all goes "funky" then I step aside and pause while deciphering a way back to the flow. Too many worries taint my vision, they blur and instigate doubt, when doubt comes, all hell breaks lose. There is only one way: pausing, breathing, stillness and quietude, Too many symbols can be confusing specially when the mind is always engaged trying to decode them. At times, not all things that happen should be explained, at times they should just be left alone, simply appreciated for what they are.

Just like the sun that rises every morning, just like that, effortlessly.

Loosing track

It seems all too familiar, yet the awareness is there. At times, I know I am in the midst of abandoning myself. The auto-sabotage plays like this: the intensity, the excitement, the flattering, the long hours, the postponing of the pauses, the excuses. The symptoms are all back, still I am aware of my lack of awareness, I am aware of the feeble excuses. It has been some weeks like this, where I engage in endless loops like a headless chicken.

I know deep in my heart I need some sort of structure, otherwise I will drown again in the sea of emotions, in the quicksand where fear conquers and I, like an android succumb into aggression, denial, or in the trying to please others. It is time for a new kind of commitment, how can I inspire others if I fail to inspire my own life?

WHERE should I begin?

Symptoms of despair come and go, for the last 150 days or so when the sky started to roar and tremble, I have gone from being numb to taking action, from crying till my head aches to feeling joy and lightness. When I focus on the future the air starts getting thin, if I look to the past my stomach just feels like million butterflies. I have made a deal with myself, that no matter the outcome I will stay true to my nature, sounds poetic, but guess what? it is bloody painful, exhausting, and most of all such a lonely journey.

The guiding light is always there, the familiar voices from friends are there, the sympathetic words of advice from people that care are still there, but the homework, the task of coming out of the cocoon and becoming a butterfly only one can do. To experience pain or any other feeling in the body is the way to tame the wild mind, by letting the emotion be in the body and becoming aware of it in the moment, no matter how scary the thought of fear can be, then I sit down and have a lovely chat with it.

I have a feeling that fear is afraid of itself, and anger is angry at itself, and one can drown from extreme sadness and choke from extremely joy. Oh extremes, how much I miss you guys!!!!!!

Something i just learned

We can all become the victims of our own inflexibility and when that happens, the wall breaks, scattering all energy around, fragmenting what once felt complete. Acceptance and letting go have began.

So in the spirit of Lao Tzu:

Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore wise men embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, 'Yield and overcome.'
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.

THE answer

The answer is neither pretense nor despair, the answer is faith in the action about to be taken.

neither good nor bad

Good and bad, two words that seem to be echoing in my head like mantras every time I perform an action, every time I notice something, these harmless words which were passed on by my elders as a simple axis for morality to label every action, these words play like little judges in my head, bad boy, good boy!, bad girl, good girl. I saved my unborn children of that practice and now as an adult I wonder, can I live without the labeling? can I walk freely and see a fat person in front of me and not go through a roller coaster of thoughts? fat = ugly, ugly = bad. Could I sit in the subway and just accept that both heat and unpleasant smell are side effects of what living in the metropolis is? Being in the body sometimes proves more challenging the being in the mind. I remember the labeling starting very early on, a sort of mental programming that has led my life in a way that now feels very limiting. Wake up, open eyes, take a walk, smile, eat, go to work, smile again, pause, take a swim, look up to the sky, enjoy, have fun, be light, and so on and so forth, I can perform all these actions without assigning an adjective. Things are not good nor bad, things just ARE.

So here it is, playing and insightful...

To change, transform, believe, realize, do, create, to endure; all these verbs that circle in my head, I want to write a longer piece, not just small paragraphs, I want to illustrate a process, the going from one place to the next, the believing, the caring for one self.

Heavy, heavy loads of thoughts I carry, what is genuine and what is acquired? absorbed? influence by? is there such a thing as untouched? because of it, do I have to take you, the reader to the beginning? can I attempt to say it all in the present tense? after all, all past things are distortions of both mind and emotions, it will be a representation of I want to recall and remember, a romanticizing of what could have been true in a certain moment. For that reason, let's say it is going to be loosely based on my memory, like all thoughts that I carry today, they have been loosely kept for future reference...

The urge to write comes at a good time, I feel that I am allowing the muteness of my voice to dissipate, shy old insecure voice, I remember always writing secrets, diaries, poetry, long letters to pen pals. I missed writing for the most part of my adult life, working with visuals, my ideas needed a different avenue of expression, but what I write now won't be ideas, I leave those to be expressed with moving images, here are raw and not too analyzed emotions, urges that transform and translate through my fingers via the keyboard to the white and empty LCD screen. I love the feeling of connection, The mind is sort of confused waiting to be used. I don't know what the next phrase will be, I don't know until I stop the writing every once in a while and let my eyes send some info to the mind through the reading, then the mind starts having an opinion and like a thesaurus starts throwing different versions of the same word, like a copywriter, starts throwing different versions of the same phrase.

In my visual work the process is very similar, the ideas and images flow freely from within to the device, (video or still camera), sometimes it feels as if I am in trance, not really knowing what I am doing, after a bit, I will call the editor in me and assemble together the whole lot without too much coherence, slowly, slowly the mind/editor will recognize a pattern and will start taking out what won't be useful. It is a lot of fun. Only when I have finished the piece I do take a distance and utilizing all my senses I will recognize what I have just done.

NOWHERE to hide

This morning I felt the urge of running again, running away from what is, running away from feeling not at ease; I have recently discovered that I may have reached the end of the forest, no more bulky tree stems where to dissolve into. I can see my own reflection from the edge of the lake, its openness makes me shiver. The road is open, I can go back and get lost again, or be courageous and plunge into the water, as much as we are made to be close and dependent on each other, the path is individual; we need a web of others to support the system, but the will of each must be set on its own.

REsolution

Defining and accepting one's true character is by all means a difficult and very painful task. Several years ago, I made a vow to stay close to my true nature no matter what the guidance I have sought provided. I have arrived to a special junction in the journey, when new skills are tested and old ventures retrieved.

In the path there are no absolutes, everything changes at all times, dusting off deep emotions and transforming them into creative action is a craft that needs some practice. Thus one must observe the actions of the elders, practice and master every move, getting prepared for the moment where all the pure raw energy will be unleashed.

....Hence the saying: If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not to fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle....

--Sun Tzu on the Art of War

LOSS

Deep, deep sorrow, a sense of loss navigates through my skin, is this the way it is suppose to feel? the letting go, I mean? Close another chapter, move on, perhaps I was living in a dream.... ALL is illusion.

My feelings intersect with my mind at times, when they meet, they are noted as sadness, and bursts of anger, disappointment towards myself. I grew up blaming myself, after all, I thought that as long as I took the blame, everything would be alright, I could then change it, cover it, disguised it; it would be up to me, only up to me, I, the center of the world...

The center of the world has recently been crashed into pieces. I am mourning the loss of an era, an era of longing where veils were covering what I have been so busy trying to conceal. I shall use the sadness and the anger as raw fuel, transforming their energy into creative thinking and acting, all things shall pass and the melancholy will soon fade into a wonderful rainbow of possibilities arising....

SAY no more

We are what we think.

All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with a pure mind,
and happiness will follow you
as your shadow, unshakeable.

How can a troubled mind understand the way?
Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much
as your own thoughts unguarded.
But once mastered,
no one can help you as much,
not even your father or your mother.

Buddha (from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byron)

Cut open

Torn between doing the right thing or allowing my inner beast act without compassion, torn between perseverance and giving myself in to lower energies; do you really think that after all this time and practice I would just give in to my raw emotions? do you really believe that all this work has been done so I finally succumb into primal feelings? No, not really, have you ever seen a phoenix rise from the ashes? first you have to die in order to be born again, such is life, such is night and day, such is the nature of what is happening. You just gave me the greatest opportunity of all, to be true to myself and stop the pretense. Pain? yes, there is pain, it has all been clogging up my system, but this pain I know well, I was almost born with it, I tried to hide it, to cover it, to run away from it. It is here now and like a scar, reminds me of the path I have chosen.

-monika, just be brave, brave like your last name.

LACK of SELF

So, here I am always feeling like I am out of place, like I need something else, always placing myself in the same sort of situations, where at this point of my life, there are no longer pleasant, on the contrary, these circumstances are just an urgent reminder for the urge to transform my perception.

Say I am a piece of toast and I was born with a missing corner, since I can remember I have been trying to fill the hole, no matter what I do, over and over, it will forever be gone, that is the way it is, but I don't want to see that truth in that, I insist on believing that if I find the missing piece I will finally feel complete. WRONG! So, a lot of time has been spent looking for approval, trying to please others than myself so I can finally feel whole. Some other times, I have spend controlling people and situations, making sure others won't eat what is left. You see the trajectory? neither, nor, still devoid.

Suddenly a little voice inside of me starts speaking, allowing the clouds to dispel so I can see the sky beneath, it is not about them, she says, not about the others, it is about how I have felt, not complete, lack of something, lack of self. No comparing, just accepting.


Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new'
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore the wise embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They recieve recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, "Yield and overcome."
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.

dao de jing- chapter 22

sowing the SEEDS of love....

At times, feeding my mind with the wrong kind of food, leads me to trouble. After all, any mind can be brainwashed for it is influenceable, adaptable, capable of being shaped into any doctrine, in other words: vulnerable. So, why not feed it's soil with nutritious, wholesome seeds? Why allow poisonous venom flow? slowing rotting through it's surface? Why forget that I am what I eat and I become what I believe? Why? Some days are easier than others, some days the feeling of disconnection and desolation hits harder, some days lethargy prevails over practice. some days like this morning I have to forget all the things I think they are. Some days, there is a beautiful song in the background awakening me....

And anything is possible when you are
Sowing the seeds of love
Sowing the seeds
The birds and the bees
My girlfriend and me in love
Feel the pain
Talk about it
If you are a worried man
Then shout about it
Open hearts
Feel about it
Open minds
Think about it
Everyone
Read about it
Everyone
Scream about it!
Everyone
Everyone
Everyone
Read about it
Read about it
Read it in the books in the crannies
And the nooks there are books to read

-it is the DIVIDED mind that breeds the confusion....

Experiencing the ambiguity, feeling torn, living in a state of anticipation..... I have felt the atmosphere sizzling like a seltzer; the view has been covered by fog, I cannot see beyond few inches, thoughts of anxiety circulate in a very close orbit of the mind. It takes double effort and full intention to be able to clear the negative thoughts.
Oh, what a big delusion! I just pictured the size of the mirror we all have been looking at! -it is the divided mind that breeds the confusion....

You shouldn't allow yourselves
To be confused by others.
Act when you need to,
Without further hesitation or doubt.
People today can't do this.
What is their affliction?
Their affliction is in their Lack of self-confidence.
If you do not spontaneously Trust yourself sufficiently,
You will be in a frantic state,
Pursuing all sorts of objects
And being changed by those objects,
Unable to be independent.

- Linji

the quest and loss of POWER

Lately, I have been trying to get out of the loop of controlling every single aspect of my life, my diet, my emotions, my physical environment, my relationships, one would think that the solution would be like having to be born again or something of the sort. It makes total sense now that I never found the origins of the strong desire to control, I was looking for the source, and since it is a loop, a circle, no beginning, no end, how could I have found it this way? I was focusing in it, THAT, in it self created the whole problem; I was in it, absorbed by it, totally immersed in it, so I could not have any another perspective.

While observing other phenomena, it hit me! the urge to appear to be in charge, that craving that makes me a domineer, a manipulator is a mask that is covering the truth, that I am a fearful being, scared of accepting that I do not know what I have been selling to the rest of the world all along, my cockiness and bravado are just poses to buy some more time and stay away from the real, the truth that I am vulnerable.

By imposing and controlling I believe and make believe that I am strong, that I am in power of the situation, as a matter of fact, I could not have been more mistaken! When in control, I am debilitating the strength, I am forcing a situation to be, I am going against nature thus weakening its effect. To think that one has the power because one thinks is in control is an oxymoron. Being open to what IS, without struggle is by all means the real POWER.

YOU are my mirror

Sitting across me I watch you everyday, how annoying has become to see my self so clearly, how painful it is to accept things as they really are, all these years, having to keep them away from sight, I managed to hide them, like I use to hide the mess of books and magazines under the bed when I was a teenager. I created this idea of the person I wanted to portrait, a lot of it became disguised behind the "orderly arranged, illusory and beautiful objects that I construct".

Who have I been fooling? no other than myself! due change is catching up with time, and time has been running out now for some time....

YOU, yes YOU, sitting across, YOU are my mirror, my challenge, my opportunity to grow, I must be thankful to you, for without you I would be still perceiving only fog. YOU are giving me the clues at where to look, once I fully grasp that YOU and I are only one and accepting YOU is accepting me, wings will flap allowing real freedom.

To love myself is to fully accept myself, to uncover the parts I have been hiding, why do I worry all this time about being caught? no one will notice, only me! The truth will be clear. AGHH Love! LOVE IS NO OTHER THAN ACCEPTANCE, No object is needed in order to love or to be loved, Love IS, like a cloud IS, LOVE is the sticky substance that holds all of us together.

WHY being deffensive when there is no offensive?

it just dawn on me.....

scenario:
.....listening to some words of complaint on the other side of the phone, it sounded a bit lecture, a bit discontent, this time I did not take it personally, I kept listening and saying to my head "just listen don't project", the conversation or monologue rather, went on for a while, I had nothing to add nor felt that I needed to defend my self again, for NO ONE was attacking me. You see, what happens is this: the one who is criticizing, analyzing, elaborating on likes and dislikes is, as a matter of fact just stating his or her uneasiness with the present moment, I just happen to be mirroring or channeling part of their rooted discontent. Thus lifting years and years of feeling that I had to do something about their uneasiness or in some sort of way was responsible for it.
How does it make me feel now? LIBERATING!!!!!

Unveiling the mask

It feels weird to keep posing from now on, the feeling is shame, the kind that makes me sweat, shame of keep on lying in my face to my face. How many subscriptions does my mind feel associated with? I am this, I am that- I like this, I don't do that - That is this, This is that, the examples are endless; in one word the feeling is: EXHAUSTING, a constant calisthenics of the mind, stretching and warping the thoughts in order to accommodate the illusion once more.

Hiding from myself, I learned that one a long time ago, I hide in the books, the movies, the stories I create and usually tell myself and others, hiding behind theories and analysis, hiding, being a fake. Trying too hard to be what I am not. There is an urge and I am inviting, daring myself to stop the farce and acknowledge for once that I have been in an eternal escape from the self, and eternal gateway from the truth of this moment.