DEciphering

Icons, glyphs and languages I have shown fascination for wanting to decipher all these symbols. Like a puzzle life unveils us a code, which way to read it? how to interpret it? who knows the way out to this dilemma?

If all goes well it is a sign that I am on my path, that I have listened to my inner voice, when all goes "funky" then I step aside and pause while deciphering a way back to the flow. Too many worries taint my vision, they blur and instigate doubt, when doubt comes, all hell breaks lose. There is only one way: pausing, breathing, stillness and quietude, Too many symbols can be confusing specially when the mind is always engaged trying to decode them. At times, not all things that happen should be explained, at times they should just be left alone, simply appreciated for what they are.

Just like the sun that rises every morning, just like that, effortlessly.

Loosing track

It seems all too familiar, yet the awareness is there. At times, I know I am in the midst of abandoning myself. The auto-sabotage plays like this: the intensity, the excitement, the flattering, the long hours, the postponing of the pauses, the excuses. The symptoms are all back, still I am aware of my lack of awareness, I am aware of the feeble excuses. It has been some weeks like this, where I engage in endless loops like a headless chicken.

I know deep in my heart I need some sort of structure, otherwise I will drown again in the sea of emotions, in the quicksand where fear conquers and I, like an android succumb into aggression, denial, or in the trying to please others. It is time for a new kind of commitment, how can I inspire others if I fail to inspire my own life?

WHERE should I begin?

Symptoms of despair come and go, for the last 150 days or so when the sky started to roar and tremble, I have gone from being numb to taking action, from crying till my head aches to feeling joy and lightness. When I focus on the future the air starts getting thin, if I look to the past my stomach just feels like million butterflies. I have made a deal with myself, that no matter the outcome I will stay true to my nature, sounds poetic, but guess what? it is bloody painful, exhausting, and most of all such a lonely journey.

The guiding light is always there, the familiar voices from friends are there, the sympathetic words of advice from people that care are still there, but the homework, the task of coming out of the cocoon and becoming a butterfly only one can do. To experience pain or any other feeling in the body is the way to tame the wild mind, by letting the emotion be in the body and becoming aware of it in the moment, no matter how scary the thought of fear can be, then I sit down and have a lovely chat with it.

I have a feeling that fear is afraid of itself, and anger is angry at itself, and one can drown from extreme sadness and choke from extremely joy. Oh extremes, how much I miss you guys!!!!!!

Something i just learned

We can all become the victims of our own inflexibility and when that happens, the wall breaks, scattering all energy around, fragmenting what once felt complete. Acceptance and letting go have began.

So in the spirit of Lao Tzu:

Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore wise men embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, 'Yield and overcome.'
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.

THE answer

The answer is neither pretense nor despair, the answer is faith in the action about to be taken.

neither good nor bad

Good and bad, two words that seem to be echoing in my head like mantras every time I perform an action, every time I notice something, these harmless words which were passed on by my elders as a simple axis for morality to label every action, these words play like little judges in my head, bad boy, good boy!, bad girl, good girl. I saved my unborn children of that practice and now as an adult I wonder, can I live without the labeling? can I walk freely and see a fat person in front of me and not go through a roller coaster of thoughts? fat = ugly, ugly = bad. Could I sit in the subway and just accept that both heat and unpleasant smell are side effects of what living in the metropolis is? Being in the body sometimes proves more challenging the being in the mind. I remember the labeling starting very early on, a sort of mental programming that has led my life in a way that now feels very limiting. Wake up, open eyes, take a walk, smile, eat, go to work, smile again, pause, take a swim, look up to the sky, enjoy, have fun, be light, and so on and so forth, I can perform all these actions without assigning an adjective. Things are not good nor bad, things just ARE.

So here it is, playing and insightful...

To change, transform, believe, realize, do, create, to endure; all these verbs that circle in my head, I want to write a longer piece, not just small paragraphs, I want to illustrate a process, the going from one place to the next, the believing, the caring for one self.

Heavy, heavy loads of thoughts I carry, what is genuine and what is acquired? absorbed? influence by? is there such a thing as untouched? because of it, do I have to take you, the reader to the beginning? can I attempt to say it all in the present tense? after all, all past things are distortions of both mind and emotions, it will be a representation of I want to recall and remember, a romanticizing of what could have been true in a certain moment. For that reason, let's say it is going to be loosely based on my memory, like all thoughts that I carry today, they have been loosely kept for future reference...

The urge to write comes at a good time, I feel that I am allowing the muteness of my voice to dissipate, shy old insecure voice, I remember always writing secrets, diaries, poetry, long letters to pen pals. I missed writing for the most part of my adult life, working with visuals, my ideas needed a different avenue of expression, but what I write now won't be ideas, I leave those to be expressed with moving images, here are raw and not too analyzed emotions, urges that transform and translate through my fingers via the keyboard to the white and empty LCD screen. I love the feeling of connection, The mind is sort of confused waiting to be used. I don't know what the next phrase will be, I don't know until I stop the writing every once in a while and let my eyes send some info to the mind through the reading, then the mind starts having an opinion and like a thesaurus starts throwing different versions of the same word, like a copywriter, starts throwing different versions of the same phrase.

In my visual work the process is very similar, the ideas and images flow freely from within to the device, (video or still camera), sometimes it feels as if I am in trance, not really knowing what I am doing, after a bit, I will call the editor in me and assemble together the whole lot without too much coherence, slowly, slowly the mind/editor will recognize a pattern and will start taking out what won't be useful. It is a lot of fun. Only when I have finished the piece I do take a distance and utilizing all my senses I will recognize what I have just done.

NOWHERE to hide

This morning I felt the urge of running again, running away from what is, running away from feeling not at ease; I have recently discovered that I may have reached the end of the forest, no more bulky tree stems where to dissolve into. I can see my own reflection from the edge of the lake, its openness makes me shiver. The road is open, I can go back and get lost again, or be courageous and plunge into the water, as much as we are made to be close and dependent on each other, the path is individual; we need a web of others to support the system, but the will of each must be set on its own.

REsolution

Defining and accepting one's true character is by all means a difficult and very painful task. Several years ago, I made a vow to stay close to my true nature no matter what the guidance I have sought provided. I have arrived to a special junction in the journey, when new skills are tested and old ventures retrieved.

In the path there are no absolutes, everything changes at all times, dusting off deep emotions and transforming them into creative action is a craft that needs some practice. Thus one must observe the actions of the elders, practice and master every move, getting prepared for the moment where all the pure raw energy will be unleashed.

....Hence the saying: If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not to fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle....

--Sun Tzu on the Art of War

LOSS

Deep, deep sorrow, a sense of loss navigates through my skin, is this the way it is suppose to feel? the letting go, I mean? Close another chapter, move on, perhaps I was living in a dream.... ALL is illusion.

My feelings intersect with my mind at times, when they meet, they are noted as sadness, and bursts of anger, disappointment towards myself. I grew up blaming myself, after all, I thought that as long as I took the blame, everything would be alright, I could then change it, cover it, disguised it; it would be up to me, only up to me, I, the center of the world...

The center of the world has recently been crashed into pieces. I am mourning the loss of an era, an era of longing where veils were covering what I have been so busy trying to conceal. I shall use the sadness and the anger as raw fuel, transforming their energy into creative thinking and acting, all things shall pass and the melancholy will soon fade into a wonderful rainbow of possibilities arising....